Well, not really. But the Soviet Russia joke is fairly relevant to my story/today’s topic. Things were always harder in Soviet Russia, and people have been through a lot of things. I should know–I have extended family members from the USSR (you don’t know how lucky you are?)
I can’t say that I ever had to live in a 400 square foot apartment with 3 other people–in fact, I’ve had it pretty good. I grew up in a very nice town with very nice everything and went to very nice schools and have a very nice job, but life is never perfect and it never is how we want it to be. Even though I have had nice things my entire life, I have still felt a great amount of pain due to the loss of people who were very close to me, living with an addict, undergoing extensive verbal abuse, social rejection and heartbreaks, experiencing destroyed friendships and abuse of my trust, eating disorders, financial problems, and so many other things that have just made me not want to go on living anymore. Strangely I have managed to go on living, and quite frankly, I don’t want to stop living until G-d says so.
Today’s theme has to do with strength and forgiveness. A lot of people describe me as a strong person, and I’m going to have to agree with them. I love that I am a strong person with the capacity to forgive. It may not always happen instantaneously, but it will happen.
If we look at my past, it is accurate to say that *I am* angry that my siblings and peers treated me like garbage; *I am* angry that I never got/get the same attention that the thinner girls got/get, and *I am* a little miffed that I have been taken advantage of in more ways than one. But when I look at all the bad things that have happened to me, I note that a lot of good things came out of those situations, like my ability to forgive.
Christianity preaches that we must forgive our enemies instead of warring with them and creating larger wounds. I take this to heart, but I know that forgiveness is never easy–It can take days, months, or years depending on the degree of the offense. Some people never forgive, and they die with whatever albatross they carry. I can say that there are people I will never forgive (for good reason), and there are also people whom I forgive, but hold at a distance.
My sisters are a perfect example of people whom I forgive but hold at a distance. We didn’t have the best relationship growing up–they were actually VERY nasty to me–and that has caused a massive divide between us. We didn’t really get along until we all moved away from one another, and even now our relationship is a little awkward.I noticed that it seems easy for them to bridge the gap, but it’s harder for me because there are too many negative memories for any apology to heal everything. Then again,there is enough positivity now to attempt at building something of a relationship and closeness.
Pills like these are never easy to swallow, but ”living in the now” can help you gain strength in situations that are packed with bad memories. I am learning to forgive my sisters by living in the now and creating stories with them. I am also learning to forgive my negative experiences by learning to see them in a more positive light. Yeah it sucks that I’m chubby–I would really like to have less trouble finding clothes and shoes–but I’m intelligent, cute, and have a fantastic sense of humor. I’m also going to look less wrinkly when I’m older because I’ve been fat for most of my life. Take that, skinny bitches. I love that I have the ability to find strength by living in the now.
This brings me to something else that I find strength in: my belief in the balance between good and evil (in addition to Catholicism and Vinyasa Yoga). Simply put, good cannot exist without evil and evil cannot exist without good. So when something bad happens to me (e.g., finding out that my boyfriend is cheating on me), I get angry, but I also realize that something good exists within that negative situation (like realizing that a better man is in my future). I love my belief in the balance because it keeps me grounded, which keeps me going on this jungle path they call life.
My natural curiosity also gives me strength. You know how I said that I was suicidal at one point? Well, I got distracted by all the shiny things that could be. Thank G-d I am distracted by shiny things.
Question of the day: What gives you strength/the ability to forgive?
